If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I am midnight drunk by noon
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
