There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
