Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's official drugs can't kill me
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
