What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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