exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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