I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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