My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
