$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
