Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
