The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
