Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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