don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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