I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
