im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
