my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
