Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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