At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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