i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
