90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
