Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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