I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
