this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish I only lived at night.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
