if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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