I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm like, not good at living.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
