Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Randomize
