I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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