Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
