I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
