My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just pee around me
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
