The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
