the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
