i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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