he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
