Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
