i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
