No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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