Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize