Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
