So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
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