Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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