I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
