my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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