Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
