just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
