Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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