I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
