I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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