just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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