Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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