I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How external is "for external use only"?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dicks are not precious.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
