youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
