Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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