Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
