Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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