She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
