I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
