I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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