He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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