I wish I could punch you in the face.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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