i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
