I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
