6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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