I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
